


Formaldehyde

by HalfEmptty



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depressed Poe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Gay Poe Dameron, Happy Ending, Jealous Poe Dameron, Jealousy, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, POV Poe Dameron, Pining, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe has attachment and self esteem issues, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Rey Ships It, Sad, This Is Sad, everyone ships it, is this a self reflection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23745178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfEmptty/pseuds/HalfEmptty
Summary: When he thought about Finn and Rey, he felt it. Like there was a huge fucking hole in his chest.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Finn/Rey (implied) - Relationship, Poe Dameron & Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 17
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

_’Would you butcher my love to understand it?  
To know where it lies.’_

—-

A few dozen light years away, Finn and Rey were somewhere Poe Dameron wasn’t, soft sand under their feet and the hot suns of Tatooine beating down onto their faces. Finn watched through the flaring light, seeing Ray’s silhouette shimmering into view as she walked up the dusty dunes towards him. The breeze caught her hair, the loose strands billowing around her face. Her skin was red with the exertion- but she was smiling.

“Done?”

“Yeah.”

She held a saber still, but it wasn’t one of the two she’d left back there under the sand. It was her own.

“Rey Skywalker,” she said, not a moment after they’d fallen into a step beside each other. Finn looked up to see her grin. He was quick to match it, realising what the outburst implied.

“Suits you.”

“You think?”

“Completely.”

\---

The base on Ajan Kloss felt so goddamn empty. 

It wasn’t like it was _actually_ empty. It was alive, bustling and happy, full with resistance troops living their newfound peace. It had been 4 days since the battle of Exegol, when Palpatine fell, when everything had just grinded to a halt, just like that. They’d won. They’d won the war. Poe remembered the _anxiety_ he felt when he landed his steaming X-Wing, smoke billowing out of every crevice of the stupid thing- but it didn’t _matter_ , because shit, he had to get out. He’d jumped down from the cockpit faster than he’d ever done anything. He’d checked on BB-8, kissed his head, and then his eyes were frantically searching for someone else. Two people, to be specific. 

Finn first. They’d collided in a hug that took his breath away. Poe’s arms wrapped feverishly around Finn, a hand around his neck, nose pressed into the collar- and he relaxed in a way he hadn’t for about a month. They found Rey after that, too, and they hugged. Tight, warm, familiar. All of them, all together, safe. _Safe._

The night that followed was one of celebration and mourning, one that they’d spent around a fire with the majority of the resistance, talking and laughing and filling the spaces in between with solemn silences. They’d won- but they’d lost, too. They’d lost so much, way too much. Poe almost couldn’t bare to look at Karé when they’d got back, and found it even harder to think about her husband, because *Snap Wexley was dead.* Her face broke his heart. He only spoke to her once that night, and he felt awful about it.

“I’m so sorry.”

 _She_ was the one to pull Poe into a tight, broken hug, and that made him feel even more pathetic- but it was okay. They all cried that night for everyone they’d lost. They cried together.

The next day, Finn and Rey left to visit Tatooine.

\---

“Wake up, General, c’mon.”

Poe stirred on the fourth day after the battle, blinking dust out of his eyes. The air shifted around him as light fell through the gaps in the shutter blinds, telling him it was… late morning. Maybe afternoon. He wasn’t sure. His mouth tasted stale, an uncomfortable heat sticking to his skin, and he let out a soft groan as the rapping on his cabin door pulled him from sleep. It was a voice that he recognised almost instantly, her tone playful and maybe a little worried. He might have just imagined that. Either way- he was going back to sleep.

“ _General._ ”

It was so weird. He wasn’t _really_ a General. Sure didn’t feel like it.

Suddenly, there were a couple of beeps Poe only just managed to hear. They roughly translated to _’Poe is lazy,’_ and after a few lines of bleeping code, the door clicked open. It didn’t take long for Suralinda to walk in, standing at the foot of his bed like a strict mother with her dark hair billowing down her back. She was a bold presence among Poe’s room of browns and oranges, her blue skin a brilliant contrast to everything else as she smiled.

“Thanks, Beebee.” Then she saw Poe. “Oh, Dameron.”

Poe rolled over, blinking the dust away. She was still a little fuzzy. 

“Go away.”

As if he thought _that_ would work.

He tried his best. Slowly, he rolled over again, pulling the covers up to his chin, making sure every part of him was covered in soft duvet from head to toe. He sunk back into the mattress, sighing as the bed enveloped him in warmth. He’d rather stay right there. Right there was just fine.

“You’ve been asleep all morning,” Suralinda said gently, and Poe could imagine her leaning against the doorframe in his head, mom-mode. It annoyed him. Then again, everything annoyed him right now. He knew she was good, really. Always meant good. “People are missing you.”

“They’ll see me eventually,” Poe said easily. How long ‘eventually’ was, he wasn’t sure.

The Squamatan sighed.

“They just got back.”

Poe stiffened. His eyes got wide.

“Finn and Rey?”

“Yes.”

It was like a light had been flicked on somewhere. Poe’s stomach made a slow lurch as suddenly, he was wide awake. It was a strange sensation, like someone had pulled the curtains from his eyes and everything was blindingly bright again. Really blinding. There were several thoughts that came alongside it- _’they’re back. They’re back. I have to see them’._ Then there was _’kriff, they’re back. fuck’._

“Oh.”

He tried to act completely normal as he pulled the covers off himself, stood, then crossed the room quickly to his drawers. As normally, evenly as he could- but in _truth_ , his heart was suddenly beating too fast, sudden revelation driving him forward. Apparently way too much- Suralinda coughed as he got out of bed, raising her eyebrows and turning away.

“I’m real lucky that you got underwear on, huh?”

“Or unlucky.”

“You flatter yourself.”

It took less than a minute for Poe to pull on some trousers that were probably due a wash, and to find a shirt that didn’t have a mark on it. After pulling on his boots, he was in front of his mirror, staring at the reflection that looked back at him. He looked just about as tired as he felt. Eyebags dark and pronounced, skin having lost its shine somehow, and his hair just a little greasy. Not that greasy. It was fine. 

He ran his hand through the curls, biting his lip. Goddamnit.

“You ready?” Suralinda asked quietly from behind him, after watching him look at himself for all too long. BB-8 shared the same kind of attitude, beeping quietly at his feet. 

No. He wasn’t.

“Yes.”

She stopped him as he made a step for the door, fingers fixing the chain around his neck.

“Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, Poe.”

He stiffened.

He knew it wasn’t. It was ugly. It was red hot and fiery, ran deep through his blood when he felt it, and stuck around for a long damn time. It nestled in the pit of his stomach like hot coals, burning him up. It got him angry, mad for no reason, wanting to shut himself away from everyone and everything, just because he couldn’t handle the idea of being someone’s second choice. It made him annoying and moody, bitchy and tense, quiet and… shit. It was ugly. He was ugly, right now. 

And it wasn’t _just_ the jealousy. It was something else that ran alongside it, something he couldn’t control. He didn’t want to think about it. 

But when he thought about Finn and Rey, it _hurt._ Like there was a huge hole in his chest.

He was about to say something to Sura, but eventually decided against it. He took a sharp breath before going to step past her- that movement alone taking so much effort to do. His body felt heavy as he exited his quarters and left her alone, hearing BB-8 roll along after him somewhat carefully- even though it was clear the little guy was excited. Finn home, Rey home. Amazing. Cool. Brilliant.

It had only been three days, but it was three days too long. It had taken everything out of him, and he didn’t even want to admit why.

For now, he could just see them. That was all he wanted, all he needed. The two people he cared about so much, caring for him back.

There was a chance they wouldn’t.

Fingers crossed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought of the first chapter, I’m not too sure about it yet? I think I know where I’m going with this- I’ll try to update at least once a week, longer chapters too. 
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song ‘Formaldehyde’ by Editors, I strongly recommend you listen. It’s beautiful, and about the pain of unreciprocated love. 
> 
> This whole thing is also very much me using Poe as an extension of myself and how my feelings work sometimes- I just hope I manage to capture him right. I feel for him so much- we’ve seen his jealous side, one I think could potentially really break him down, so I’m workin with that.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, next chapter up soon :)) Let me know what y’all think.


	2. Chapter 2

_’Cut a hole in my heart_  
Fill the hole in your life  
I'm yours to dissect.’ 

Outside, the hangar was bustling and booming, sunlight breaking through the leaves and dancing across everyone’s faces. Poe could see everyone gathering around the landing pad, Jess, Karé, Chewie- and then, stepping down from the Millenium Falcon, Finn. 

He kind of wished he’d got his ass into gear before he’d raced outside to see them. The light was a little overwhelming in so many ways, making his eyes water a little and his head go fuzzy. The breeze felt _good,_ but too much, and he found himself trying to regulate his breathing as he watched Finn envelope someone in a hug that wasn’t him. BB-8 suddenly charged past his ankles to go and meet Rey. When he saw her, he tensed.

_You’re difficult. You’re a difficult man._

He really was.

He hadn’t really moved, he realised. He was in luck, because someone else had come to meet him. It was someone who had practically thrown himself into his arms, wrapped around Poe like he couldn’t bear to let him go, and for a second, he _believed_ it. It was _overwhelming._

“Hey, hey, buddy,” Poe laughed lightly, hugging back. His hand clamped around Finn’s back, holding him impossibly close, his other nursed around his neck, fingers touching his hair. He smelled like Finn, still. And sand. Poe was grinning, ear to ear. “Nearly killed me, there.”

“I _missed_ you,” Finn said sincerely, pulling away. His hands stayed on Poe’s shoulders, fingers bunched up tight to fist the material of his shirt. It made Poe’s knees weak. His eyes were so bright. There was such happiness in the man’s smile that he thought he might just fall over.

“Missed you too,” he said. He was slightly breathless when he said it.

“Poe.”

His eyes were finally ripped from Finn’s as a familiar voice called him from his side. Rey was there, smiling wide, arms open in a hug. 

It felt sour as he hugged her, and he wasn’t sure why. He loved Rey. Genuinely so much. Rey was his friend. 

There was still a distinct lack of warmth there as he squeezed her, compared to hugging Finn. Kriff, he was a bad person. He was a bad, bad person.

“Let’s get you guys settled back in,” he said with all the gladness he could muster, his smile digging dimples into his cheeks. “We’re switching things up around here, y’ know. Nearly missed all the fun.”

—-

Rey had spoken about going to Tatooine after the battle, expressing how she wanted to return to Luke’s home to pay her respects. It only made sense, really, and Poe knew it was a good idea. Not only as a memorial type of thing- but it also gave Rey a chance at some kind of closure, to come to terms with who she was, and who she wanted to become. Poe later found out that that was a Skywalker- and honestly, it was perfectly fitting. Of course. It just hurt him, because Finn _went with her._

Okay. He needed to backtrack.

His bitterness hadn’t died from their trip to Pasaana and the whole quicksand fiasco. There were inklings of something there before- the tugs in his stomach and the aches he felt whenever Rey and Finn looked at eachother. The funny thing was, he knew he was being stupid. Of course he was. Everyone else thought so too, clearly- like when him and Rey had argued before leaving, and a Resistance pilot named Eddie gave him the _look_ as he stormed away.

“You two argue like an old married couple.”

Oh, man. He had no idea. At least Poe didn’t think he did.

“No we don’t.”

Eddie gave him a weird look.

“You need to come to some kind of peace,” he offered eventually, treading lightly with his words. “You’re part of a three. A really great three, at that. You need to somehow just… not feel _bad_ about it. Get used to it. Rey don’t like Finn any more than she likes you, you know.”

He would have laughed, but he was angry, so it came out more of a bark. 

“Thanks for the advice.”

He could be so damn unpleasant, sometimes.

He’d stormed off (feeling bad about it shortly later), going to help put out the Falcon’s fire, and laughed more in his head. Some people definitely saw the jealousy, and those who weren’t very observant definitely thought Poe was in love with Rey. Including Eddie. That was funny.

 _Pasaana._ So they’d left not long after all that stuff had gone down, a tension between them, but not much. They fell into a natural rhythm with each other as usual, working fast and efficient, and getting away from those First Order troopers was a breeze. Nearly a breeze. The quicksand came, and then Finn _had_ to say it.

_’Rey, I meant to tell you…’_

Fucking what?

 _That_ was the main thing, out of all the other tiny little things. Other things like how Rey obviously loved Finn so so much, and how Finn loved her back just like that too. How they’d gone on a whole massive adventure when they’d first met, as opposed to Poe who got disposed of on his own in the dunes of Jakku. How Rey took Finn with her to Tatooine, and left Poe behind. The secret was the cherry on top. 

Granted, he wanted to stay behind. Maybe he just wanted an excuse to mope.

Maybe he was a _bad person._

No matter what he was, Finn had annoyed him. It hit him way more when they’d returned to Ajan Kloss, and Finn _still hadn’t told him anything._ Had he told Rey? Oh. Poe could bet on it.

He was thinking about it _again_ now he hugged Rey and Finn, leading them back into the base with a warmth in his stomach. He was happy- they were back.

But he felt _ill._ They were back.

And they’d choose each other over him. 

Indefinitely.

—-

There were a bunch of people Poe felt extra stupid around, and that was the rest of the Black Squadron. Why? Because they _did_ know the truth. The worst bit was, Poe didn’t even need to tell them.

Reflecting on his morning with Suralinda, he kind of realised why. 

“Eat up, General #1,” Jessika said jovally, poking Poe with her fork. On his other side was Finn, across from him was Rey, and next to her, Karé and Suralinda. There was an eerie space at the end of their table in the canteen where Snap should have been- but Poe tried so desperately not to think about it.

“What makes me General #2?” Finn asked, his mouth half full of food. Poe let himself smile, because it was definitely a sight to behold. 

“Because he came first, unfortunately,” Jessika explained. “We’re lucky he’s good at his job, huh?” She nudged him with her elbow, and he nudged her back with a scoff.

“We’re both General #1,” he insisted, casting a long look to Finn, who smiled. His cheeks bulged with salad. Poe wanted to laugh, but knew how smitten he probably looked already. _Hold yourself together._ He could almost feel all of their stares on him, because as he said, they all knew. They knew very intensely. 

Poe wasn’t usually one for relationships, no matter how flirty he may have been- but the Black Squadron knew his preferences. He didn’t really make an effort to hide them, either. Who knew it’d backfire on him? Teasing. So much teasing. Because they weren’t blind, and Karé, Snap, Jess and Sura knew him better than anybody else. 

_The Resistance’s golden boy was in love with the ex-Stormtrooper._ And hell, if he could hide that.

(He couldn’t hide that. Not at all.)

“That’s _great,_ but our problem comes with not knowing which General anyone is talking about,” Rey reasoned, stabbing at her food with a spoon. “We have General Dameron, and… General Finn? Even that sounds weird.”

Sura and Karé were quick to agree, nodding, and Finn looked at Poe sideways as if to say, _what do they think I’m gonna do about it?_ Poe snorted.

“Sorry he was brought up in slavery,” Poe chuckled, raising his eyebrows. “Damnit, Finn, you lack a second name. The _inconvenience_.”

“For real tho,” Sura piped up, “do you reckon you’re gonna choose yourself one at some point?”

Finn paused for a minute, just looking down at his food. His dark eyes blinked, lashes catching the light, his expression soft and contemplating as he thought on it. Poe’s head immediately went to _Finn Dameron._

And then he was turning away from him, and mentally smacking himself.

“Not now,” he replied finally, shrugging. “I don’t know what I’d choose. Don’t even know how family works properly. Rey had to give me the rundown of a family tree on the way back from Tatooine.”

Gaah. Now he was thinking about that- Rey and Finn sat in the Falcon’s cockpit, talking about second names, and such. Families. _See, you could take my second name, if you wanted, but only people who are married do that… people who really love each other… in a romantic way-_

“You can always STEAL someone else's name,” Jess said loudly, and for the first time that evening, Karé made a loud wheezing sound. Poe found his tired grin fading, his eyes falling to the table, and his back sinking into the chair. 

The Black Squadron cared about Poe, and he knew that- but they wouldn’t advocate for a make believe relationship, when Finn and Rey were right in front of them. As real as real. They were basically set in stone to be the couple. The two heroes of the Resistance, saving everyone, being perfectly and equally amazing, and yeah, hell, of course they were. 

And, of course, they loved each other. Poe’s mind fell back on the secret Finn didn’t dare tell him.

And he was angry again. He felt it in his chest first.

“I’ll give you mine,” Suralinda said grandly, waving a hand in the air. “Finn Javos. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Does that mean we’re married?” Finn asked, a frown etched into his forehead- and Poe felt himself going soft at his naivety. He also felt himself wanting to punch Finn in the stomach. 

_Bad person. Bad Person. Stop it. But-_

_Finn is lying to you. You’re his best friend and he’s keeping secrets._

“Yes!” Suralinda jeered, and the only reason Poe wasn’t particularly foaming at the mouth was the fact that Sura primarily liked women. She’d made that much clear. “When’s the ceremony?”

“You gotta have a ceremony??”

“My name is better,” Jess huffed, stabbing her meat. “It don’t even need to be marriage. You can just legally be adopted into someone’s family as a sibling.”

“I’d advocate for Finn Kun, but it sounds a bit too abrupt,” Karé said, and everyone agreed. 

“Finn Dameronnn,” Jess singsonged, and Poe felt himself go red. Damn Pava. 

“And then everyone would be asking for General Dameron #1,” Rey laughed, “and that’d be a whole kriffing nightmare all over again.”

“I think I’ll stay Finn,” Finn said weakly, and Poe didn’t know whether to be sad or not.

“Finn Skywalker,” Rey said, eyebrows raised, fork pointing straight at Finn. Poe felt his chest tighten.

“Luke is rolling in his grave,” Finn said, shaking his head with a smile. “With everyone stealing his name. We better quit while we’re ahead.”

Yes, please quit.

Poe didn’t exactly trust himself to say anything, and he was slowly falling down into a pit. The two of them. Openly talking about this in front of everyone. It felt like they were _teasing_ him, like they knew exactly what his heart wanted- and were going out of their way to destroy it. Okay- that was dramatic. 

Didn’t matter. 

Poe had gone really quiet. He hated it. That he knew, when they both thought he didn’t. That not only did Finn not love _him_ , but that Poe also didn’t deserve to know that he was in love with someone else. 

He simply didn’t deserve it. Apparently. 

He felt _hot._

Jess’ hand was on his shoulder suddenly.

“Well, just know,” Poe heard Rey say, her tone soft and kind, “that if you ever want it? You can have it. Free of charge. Everyone deserves to feel like they belong, Finn.”

Poe didn’t get the chance to hear everyone else _agreeing_. He’d pushed his chair back, the legs scraping loud against the floor, and shrugged Jessika away. He was storming out of the canteen without another word, without another look back.

—-

BB-8 was chasing after him as he walked to his room, hands fisted into his pockets and bottom lip red from the amount he’d been biting it. He got to his quarters, scanned his fingerprint, and let BB-8 in before he shut the door. As much as he wanted to be alone.

He dumped himself on the edge of his bed, running hands through his tangled dark curls, exhaling heavily as his eyelids slid shut. He was so tired. He’d been _tireder_ , but he felt so goddamn awful now that he might as well have not slept for a millenia. He was just… drained.

When Poe had a problem, he’d try and fix it. Or he’d go kick the shit out of it with an X-Wing.

He couldn’t really do that, now. Because really? He was the problem.

No one else's fault he was hurting. 

His fault he was bitter.

His fault he loved Finn.

His fault.

BB-8 beeped from his feet, suddenly whirring and blinking several different colours at him. Poe blinked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

BB-8 definitely protested at that.

“Hey, hey.” Poe let out a breath of amusement as the BB unit rammed against his foot, head spinning, and beeped indignantly.

‘ _Poe is lying. Why is Poe lying?_ ’

“It’s nothing. I’m just tired.”

Not exactly a lie. BB-8 analysed him anyway, rolling backwards and forward for a moment until he hit some kind of conclusion.

‘ _Poe is lonely._ ’

That conclusion hit him in the gut.

He wasn’t always lonely. He’d never felt lonely like that, he had all his friends, his _family_ around him all the time. A lover or two, if he wanted one. Whatever he fancied. People liked him. He was popular, yet…

The possibility of the only person he’d ever really _loved_ like that, slipping through his fingers… shit. Only a step away, the perfect person. And trust him- he was _perfect_. Finn was just someone else's. 

“Yeah,” he said, voice nearly a whisper. Lonely. “Kinda, Beebee. Kinda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Rey was only talking off what Jessika was saying- ‘have my name, Finn! We can be legal siblings!’ Oh, Poe.
> 
> I hope you guys liked the chapter! I’m nervous about how I write everyone, but I hope they’re okay. Rey is actively advocating for FinnPoe- she just has no idea right now about what Poe thinks about them. I might end up doing some Rey POV stuff, including meetings with Finn that they use to talk about cute boys *cough* Poe *cough*. It’ll resolve itself in time, don’t you worry. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
